Gainesvilleans Declassified

Despite its seemingly modest size, the little town of Gainesville boasts an impressive array of social groups. Below is a short list that I've compiled of the different groups I've encountered. Please feel free to add any comments or suggestions.

The Intelligentsia: Have you ever walked into a coffee shop to find a smattering of people wearing trendy, dark-rimmed glasses and hovering over their free-trade, "this plastic is made from 20% recycled material" lattes? You know, the ones who are madly typing away at their laptops or staring into their iphones like they're waiting to hear back from the Great Beyond? These types seem to pride themselves on their "artistic" flair and inherent knowledge of "cool". These are the people who will drive a trendy, ecologically friendly vehicle (Mini Cooper, Toyota Hybrid, Volkswagen or Vespa), support the Occupy Wall Street movement without really comprehending what it means, and act as walking billboards for  music bands nobody really knows about. The more obscure a thing, the better. They almost always vote Democrat and love South Park. On weekends, they will visit their friend's lake house where they will sit around, drink beer and "chill" (aka imbibe in various mind-altering substances). Their Facebook profile is invariably filled with "artsy" photos as well as pseudo-intellectual comments on the state of human affairs. They generally consider themselves to be the last thing standing between us and utter societal decline.

The Nouveau Hippies: Although this category is intimately linked to the former, it is closer to the true 60's hippie. These are the people who will be in a fix over what brand of kumquats and flax seeds they should purchase at Mother Earth. They wear Toms shoes, sport tribal-chic accoutrements, buy reusable shopping bags, tape Satchel's bumper stickers to their cars and fill their homes with burnt sandalwood. They are fans of the Hari Krishnas and spend their days trying to become enlightened.

The Panhellenic Pandemic: These are the Sisters and Brothers who have survived the perils of Rush Week and come to the other side only to do the same to the next batch of unsuspecting freshmen. Despite intense inter-fraternity/sorority rivalries, they all peculiarly resemble one another. And no, its not just the repetition of the Greek alphabet that I'm talking about. They all wear the same footwear (Sperry boat shoes for boys and Tory Burch sandals for girls), have the same hairstyles, listen to the same music, and all use "like" one time too many in their sentences). The males have an odd penchant for pastel fishing shirts and many are convinced that the former coupled with a pastel belt, popped collar and pair of RayBan sunglasses = the very definition of GQ.

To be continued....