Understanding Our Fears

I was thinking about the factors that control and restrict the choice we make in life. The most obvious factors that I could think of were our own negative thoughts. I feel that we give more credence to our own self-doubts and what-ifs than we do to anything or anyone else. We oftentimes equate our fears with reality and become convinced of their inevitability. This is flawed thinking. Although the mind can be incredibly convincing, we have to separate thought from reality. Only when we stop giving our fears this supernatural power over us, will we be able to objectively analyze and address them.

I think that most fears can be broken down into the following three categories:

1) Social fears: Are created as a result of our need to feel accepted and appreciated. These are concerns over our relationships, our status, our popularity, our desirability, or our reputation. As pack animals, we feel the overwhelming urge to relate to and be part of a group or groups of people. Our sense of identity is derived from our relations to others and their perceptions of us.

2) Self-Actualization fears: These are career, talent, or goal achievement fears. We want to meet our personal standards (regardless of whether they are realistic or even attainable to begin with) and feel incompetent when we do not. These fears are related to self-esteem derived from our personal expectations and those set by our society. They explain why we often beat ourselves up for being "less than" some imaginary standard.

3)Physical fears: These fears relate to our physical and mental soundness as well as to our outward appearance. They have a very biological explanation behind them: in order to survive, we need to be mentally and physically fit as well as sufficiently attractive to reproduce and pass on our genes. They often are influenced by societal norms of what is considered "healthy," "normal," or "beautiful."

Generally speaking, however, it seems that these three fears can be diluted down to one main aspect: our human need for acceptance and love. It seems that almost any action or motivation in life comes about as a result of this unconscious desire. We wage wars on the battlefield and in the workplace to feel empowered, respected, and admired (or feared, which is a roundabout form of admiration) by peers. We spend significant amounts of time preening in front of the mirror, running on treadmills, and molding our behavior in the hopes of attracting a mate. We spend ridiculous amounts of money on unnecessary luxury goods to highlight our uniqueness. I spend a ridiculous amount of time on this blog to be perceived as pseudo-intellectual ;).These behaviors are but a few of the dizzying and exhausting array of things that we do daily to be loved and accepted. The question is why? In my opinion, its because the world is an unpredictable and scary place to live in. By ensuring the love and support of others, we feel much more safe and secure. When we are loved, we no longer feel like we're battling against the elements alone. We have somebody to catch us if we fall.

What do you think?

Man vs. Woman

I am currently sitting at UF's Library West while inconspicuosly eavesdropping on a pair of French foreign exchange students. I never understood what it was about foreigners that made me so excited...maybe its the fact that they always seemed so classy and original. Who knows. The only thing that does seem  true is that we are rarely happy with the here and now...we are often wishing we were elsewhere, doing something else, or with someone else.

Speaking of that someone else, let's return to my favorite topic of discussion: relationships. Recently, I've read a few good books discussing the differences between men and women and how most difficulties arise from a lack of understanding between the two.

 Basically, men are more quiet, analytical, and solution-oriented whereas women are more expressive, emotional, and relationship-oriented. Although both depend upon love and acceptance to thrive, their understanding of the concepts vary. A man feels loved when he is appreciated and trusted by his partner. When his partner expresses concern or criticism (as we women are often apt to), the man is often offended and withdraws internally. Women, on the other hand, feel love through expression and care. A woman needs verbal and emotional reassurance from her partner as well as the ability to depend on him in difficult situations. Unfortunately, its more difficult for men to openly express their feelings or understand how their logical, no-nonsense approach to issues may hurt women. I remember, for instance, hearing stories from friends' relationships. Sometimes, their boyfriend would say offhanded comments like, "Come on, you're not Ms. Right, you're Ms. Right Now","You're not the prettiest girl in the world so stop acting like it", or "We all know you're not the sharpest pencil in the box."  Although to guys, who value honesty and straightforwardness, it may seem like no big deal, to women, who take things personally and internalize them, these comments hurt very much. It would be the same as a woman telling a man that he's lagging professionally or incapable of acting like a "man."

Another difference arises from the different ways that the two deal with stress. While women need to express and share their worries with others, men need to retreat into solitude to "mull things over" and find solutions. A woman finds solutions through others who act as a sounding board to her complaints while men prefer to figure it our for themselves. Hence, when a woman complains about having a bad day to her partner, he feels obligated to offer a solution when in reality, she just wants to talk things out. When a man has a bad day and withdraws, however, the woman feels that he is purposely excluding her from his private life and doesn't trust her to share his problems. In reality, the man just needs to be left alone to think and appear from his proverbial "cave."

These are just a few of the points that I've read, but there's definitely many more. What do you think? Are men and women truly so different that we could be from different planets? Are men really essentially one way (logical, emotionally controlled, straightforward, and dominant) and women another (abstract, emotionally expressive, subtle, and accomodating)? Or is this a bunch of psychobabble that doesn't accurately portray all our variations? Personally, I've always assumed (or at least hoped) that men and women were more similar than different and overlapped in their views and manners of behaving. Being slightly up in the air on the subject, I'd greatly appreciate your feedback :)

Sometimes I find that we keep encountering certain situations or individuals in our lives because we are supposed to learn from them. When we continue to make the same mistakes, we continue to be confronted with the same scenarios over and over again. Its seems that the only way to break free of this vicious cycle is by acknowledging the lesson that's meant to be learned and learning it. The hard part is not so much recognizing the problem as actually doing the work to fix it.

One word comes to mind when I think about this dilemma: self-control. It is that most elusive and challenging of human qualities that we desperately need to succeed in this life. Self-control means power over one's own life and admitting that the responsibility for living well ultimately lies with the self. The heroes of the past were not those who caved into primitive emotions like lust, desire, greed, or jealousy, but those who controlled themselves and took the higher ground. Their ability to transcend these very basic human emotions made them the individuals we honor today. As the followers of the Jewish faith have professed, humans are but a blend of dust and divinity. Humanity's final record will depend on the side which we ultimately choose to identify ourselves with.

Man is half beast half angel...or so the story goes. How do we reconcile these polar opposites? Furthermore, what is our ultimate purpose here on earth? Are we expected to mindlessly procreate from one generation to the next like some Darwinian re-enactment or are we supposed to be something more? I personally hope that its the latter. The saying that "only a life lived for others is worth living," resonates deeply with me. Our memory lives on through the lives of others; specifically in the ways that we've touched or influenced them. If we've a life disconnected from others and focused only on ourselves, our memory will be erased just like footsteps in the ocean sand. I believe that disconnecting from others breaks the chain of collective humanity and is the cause behind much pain and suffering.

Here are a few quotes that I've come across which I think say a lot about our existence. Please let me know what you think:

The great and glorious masterpiece of humanity is to know how to live with purpose--Montagne

Our fears are more numerous than our dangers, and we suffer more in our imagination that in reality--Seneca

All humanity is passion; without passion, religion, history, novels, and art would be ineffectual---Honore de Balzac

There are only two ways to live your life: one as if nothing is a miracles; the other as if everything is a miracle--Albert Einstein

My religion is kindness--Dalai Lama....(this perspective would solve a lot of global conflict it it was adopted by others; its kind of hard to wage religious warfare on someone for being too kind)