Knowing When to Quit (Gracefully)

I think that like any good poker player, a smart romantic should know when to quit and cut his losses. Staying longer in the game will only bring about further pain. It wears you out and drains you of the energy that could be spent on more productive pursuits. There's no point in continuing because the further  that you push, the deeper you will fall into the hole.

After speaking to various friends about their dating experiences (or dramas if we're being honest), I've come to the following conclusions:

I. You should abandon a relationship when:

•  You've tried just about everything to make it work and it still doesn't
• You've examined yourself inside and out, picking out your flaws the way you search for needles in a haystack
• You find yourself feeling unhappy, anxious, or frustrated a disproportionate amount of the time
• The problem always lies with you and your actions and never your partner's. You constantly punish yourself for doing so and so wrong and keep repeating "if only I....".
• You find yourself mysteriously drawn to the self-help section of every bookstore
• You start questioning your ideals and goals in order to make yourself more amenable to your partner

If you experience these symptoms, there seems to be only one conclusion: you need to dump the person and move on.  Its simply not worth it. Life is so short and precious that it should be only spent with those who adore and cherish you. Anything less should not be acceptable.

Furthermore, I would like to add that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be around the person you like.  Its absolutely normal to want to see them everyday, discuss your problems, and rely on their help. If this person is criticizing you for acting in these ways, the problem lies with them, not you. Feeling and needing others is human; pretending that it isn't is being in denial. You shouldn't have to change your nature so someone will want you. They're not changing theirs.

This subject reminds me of the classic movie "The Way We Were." Although Katie, the heroine, tried to do everything short of selling her soul to make things work with the man she loved, she realized in the end, that there was only so much she could give. No matter how hard we may want to, we cannot change our nature. We are who we are and the sooner that we accept it, the sooner we can find someone who will love us for it. Despite his feelings for Katie, Hubbel ultimately chose the selfish path of ease and comfort rather than the struggle that Katie represented. In a sense, he was too weak of a person to stray outside his comfort zone and take a chance on the unknown.  In the end, we find Hubble living an affluent, superficial existance with his cookie-cutter wife in the suburbs of L.A.  His life is comfortable, safe, and satisfactory, yet he abandons all his dreams of becoming a great writer. Katie, by contrast, continues with her struggle to save the world and stand up for things that she believes in. Although her life is not nearly as enviable as Hubble's, she stays true to herself. The ending in front of the Plaza Hotel where Katie nostalgically brushes away a lock of Hubbles hair while realizing that their love is impossible, marks a poignant point: that in the end, we cannot change ourselves for anyone else. We are who we are.

What's the Point?

So I apologize for not writing for quiet sometime, but honestly, I've had difficulty in choosing what subject to broach first. Today, I think I'm just going to talk about a few things that have made an impression on me.

I recently watched this Korean film called "Seducing Mr. Perfect," about an adorable hopeless romantic who is repeatedly jilted in love. Like all good romance comedies, the heroine finds her true love in the end with Mr. Perfect: her handsome, jaded, and seemingly aloof boss. After accepting his tutelage to learn the art of seduction, the heroine comes to the following realization as she speaks with Mr. Perfect at the end of the film:

I'm curious...what if in manipulating people we lose the pleasure of an honest conversation? Why use manipulation if we can't discover one's true feelings?Have you ever been happy in that sort of relationship? The funny thing is, after all that's happened I still miss the old me. Instead of calculating, I want to be honest. Instead of receiving, I want to give. Instead of hiding, to let out all my feelings.

Upon hearing this, I realized how much the statement resonated with me. Although by manipulating and toying with other people's feelings we may win the battle, we will ultimately lose the war. In essence, we will  cheat both our partners and ourselves out of the happiness that comes from a true relationship. We will spend so much energy on calculating the costs and benefits of every action that we will lose sight of the main purpose of the whole charade: finding someone who will love us exactly as we are.

Why is it so wrong to express the way we feel? Why do we have to run through these self-made mazes to get from point a to point b? What's the point? Life is so short, complicated, and precious that we should not waste time on such stupid activities.

The Good Guys Cont'd.

5) The Thrill Seeker:
This is the guy who will  climb Mountain Everst without the help of sherpa guides, white water raft through the Niagra Falls, and be baffled as to why you're not as equally thrilled to jump out of an airplane at 30,000 feet in the air. He is the ultimate adrenaline junkie and no challenge is too much for him. He is the multi-millionaire from "Along Came Polly," who was dubbed an insurance company's worst nightmare because of his base jumping, white shark diving, and windsurfing lifestyle. Although these types can be quiet the adventure to spend time with, they quickly become exhausting for the more mellow among us. Unless you enjoy living out of a backpack, befriending the lost tribes of the Amazon, or chasing lions, this man may be a tad too much for you.

6) The Careerist: This man color codes just about everything in his life from his fountain pen collection to his drawers. Although this may seem offputting at first, it serves him quiet well in the long run. He is the ultimate driven perfectionist. The only others serious competition you'll have to worry about while with him is his job. Seriously. These types devote their entire existance to succeeding in the professional field. If you are an equally ambitious type of woman, this may work out perfectly and your weekends will consist of cozy reunions around your prospective laptops and blackberries. Otherwise, you might feel a bit odd as you wrangle with an inanimate object (the cell phone) for your partner's attention. Despite these drawbacks, this man's drive for perfection tends to spill over into other areas of his life (including your relationship). When threatened with the prospect of losing you, he will work as hard to keep your relationship afloat as he does to manage his company's hedge fund.

7) The Tough Guy:
This is the type of man that most girls are originally intimidated or put-off by, but who turns out to be one of the nicest men out there. After getting past his rough, salt-of-the earth exterior, you'll be surprised to discover a kind and gentle soul in need of recognition. Although he may not recognize the difference between Cole Haan and Hugo Boss or appreciate the appeal of modern art, this person will be by your side when the dams break loose. Even when an entire tube of mascara is running down your face like the Niagra Falls, this man will stay by your side as a strong, dependable rock. You will come to find his honest, no-nonsense approach much more refreshing than the eloquently shallow compliments of more urbane sorts who will run at the first hint of trouble. If you can get past your first impression of Mr. Tough Guy, you may be surprised to find a very polished diamond in the rough.

The Good Guys

Below is a list of the different types of "good guys" that I've encountered in my life. Although it is far from complete, I hope that you can see the basic picture that I'm trying to get across. Keep in mind, however, that as humans are complex creatures, most men will possess characteristics from several of these categories in varying degrees. Few men can be grouped solely into one category. As always, your input and suggestions are always welcome :)

1) The Traditionalist:
This bastion of American family values might at first seem like the leading man from a 1950s movie: he is stable, dependable, and his picture can be found under the Merriam-Webster definition of "Family man". He possesses strong moral standards from which he will not fluctuate and is deeply nostalgic for times gone by. This type of person loves his family, stands by his friends, and values his honor above all else. With the Traditionalist, there will be no uncertainty over the sincerity of his feelings or the degree of his loyalty. This man will already be planning your wedding vows before the thought of dating even enters your head. When the Traditionalist finds a suitable match, he locks into his target like a guided missile. Although initially flattering, his unrelentless pursuit and general rigidity about life may annoy some women. These types of men are a great match for those with  traditional mindsets who crave serious and stable relationships. They are not compatible, however, with independent, type A personalities who like to challenge the status quo.

2) The Idealist:
This individual possesses very similar characteristics to the Traditionalist, but is much more flexible and forward-thinking. Like the Traditionalist, the Idealist male draws inspiration from historic figures who have represented and fought for their personal ideals. Think James Stewart in Mr. Smith goes to Washington and you will understand the essence of the Idealist. This person is a courageous pioneer that can be found at the forefront of any major humanitarian issue plaguing the world. These individuals see themselves as  Ghandi-like figures who are willing to sacrifice the personal self to fight for the greater good. Although incredibly admirable, these types can be bad relationship material unless their partner is as equally independent, motivated, and free-thinking as they are.




3) The Philosophical Introvert: This man is the intellectual, artist, musician, or shy guy who is very sentimental, soft, and kind. These individuals are very romantic, emotionally expressive, and insightful. Because they are very sensitive and get hurt easily, they are usually the ones who are approached rather than those who do the approaching. These men make great friends and empathetic partners and are usually the easiest to relate to for most women. They crave someone strong, stable, and optimistic who can give them the self-assurance that they seek to blossom. These types work best with strong-willed and independent women who can lead them in a positive direction. Think Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald.


4) The Comedian: This is one of my favorite types of men because wherever they go, they put smiles on people's faces. The Comedian is funny, charming, easy-going, and very optimistic. His optimism for life and laissez-faire attitude makes him an incredibly attractive individual to be around. Unlike other types of men, he is not afraid to look stupid, try new things, or fall head over heels in love. He can sometimes resemble the Energizer Bunny after several doses of Red Bull with his everlasting energy and need for adventure. This person is very warm and loving but sometimes lacks in maturity and finds it difficult to be serious. Furthermore, his complete indifference about others' opinions can make many feel uncomfortable. However, if you're an easy-going, free spirit yourself who doesn't take life too seriously, this may be just the right match for you.

To be continued...

A Game of Poker

Sometimes I feel like the dating world can be quiet a bit like playing poker. In fact, there's many similarities. Primarily, there is the trade-off between making it big or playing it safe. As a poker player entering the first round, you have to have a game plan: will you  play a modest and predictable game that will leave you no worse off than when you started, or will you risk losing everything for the chance to win something great?

Much like in poker, dating is a game where one has to risk losing everything in order to win. Otherwise, one is relegated to sitting on the sidelines of love, always wondering what could have been. Finding a partner is really about choosing between passion and safety. The one which you inherently value will determine the path that you take and the experiences that you will have.I don't necessarily think that one path is better than another, but a simple reflection of a person's needs. My mother, for instance, has always valued safety and security as a top priority. Perhaps not incidentally, she married my father, a very loyal and steadfast man. Her life is very stable, safe, and loving. Sometimes I wonder, however, what kind of person she would have been if she chose spontaneity over prudence. Her friend on the other hand, is the complete opposite. She has lived a life full of excitement, intrigue, and amazing experiences. She has been in many so many romantically volatile relationships that she could write a bestseller. She's an incredibly interesting and multi-faceted individual. She, however, is still single and searching while my mother has been married for 25 years. Which scenario is better? I'm not really sure anymore...

In another aspect, love is similar to poker because we can never be sure about the other person's feelings. Although we can spend years honing our people-reading skills, a good poker face can withstand the test of any lie detector. The truth is, we simply do not know. We are operating in the dark, like a submarine honing in on the vibrations of a distant radar. This volatile environment often ends up playing someone as the fool. Its like Victor Hugo's "the Hunchback of Notre Dame;" in the real story, there was no happy ending but a disappointing love triangle. Quasimodo, the story's protagonist, had always been  in love with Esmerelda, the beautiful young gypsy dancer who for her part, was entranced with Phoebus, the handsomely virile Captain of the King's Archers. Although Phoebus was initially intrigued by Esmerelda's attentions, he never could nor wanted to love her. In the end, the only individuals who go what they wanted were  Phoebus and his fiancee, Fleur de Lys, who were both incapable of love and could not see past the superficial. That, right there, is an example of a reality that's never going to be shown in a romance movie.

Random Little Comments (A little all over the place)

So as I was standing in line at Starbucks to order my typical grande zen iced green tea with splenda, I came upon a few interesting observations:

Firstly, I chuckled at the irony of starbucks displaying 25 different varieties of "regional" coffee blends from around the world at the very affordable price of $13.99/lb. Out of these 25 blends, one in particular caught my eye; it was in bright red packaging and labeled as "Coffee from Africa to Africa." For some reason, the image of workers in the democratic republic of Congo drinking a cappuccino espresso before heading out to mine blood diamonds didn't seem all that believable to me...but thats just me. Apparently however,  with each pound of this eastern African coffee that you, the morally conscientious consumer buy, an entire dollar will go to the IMF to help AIDS victims living in Africa. How generous! Can you imagine, a company that brings in billions of dollars in annual revenue is kind enough to donate 0.00001% of its total earnings to Africa! Groundbreaking!

Is it just me or does this simply scream hyprocrisy? Wouldn't it be easier (and cheaper) for you to just log onto the IMF website and donate a dollar online? Or do you need to buy a pound of coffee at a 300%  markup to justify giving a giving away a measly 7% of it to Africa? Don't the victimized and oppressed people deserve more?

Another equally bothering realization is that despite all their high-faluted promises to "the environment" and corrugated cardboard made of "20% recycled material," they do not have one recycling bin in their cafes! Not one! What are their 20% recycled material cardboard cups worth when everything else they produce (made out of plastic and paper) is never recycled? A little hypocritical, wouldn't you say?

On another topic, I recently came across this great book that I recommend reading (if you're into sociology and human interactions). Its called "the Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene and is extremely informative. Its not just about seducing the opposite sex, but a book about how to understand anyone's needs and tap into them to your own advantage. I thinkg that being able to interact with and charm others is an incredibly helpful skill to be armed with in this day and age and this book explains just how to do that. If power is more your thing, then I recommend you check out Robert Greene's "the 48 Laws of Power." Although I haven't yet had the chance to read it, it seems equally fascinating.

If any of you have any interesting book suggestions that you'd like to share, please feel free to post them on this blog. Thanks!

Some Observations

Have you ever felt confident in things turning out well at the end regardless of the obstacles thrown at you on a daily basis? For some odd reason (and I'm not even religious) I always felt that things were going to be alright. Perhaps its this quality that's always prevented me from flying into jealous rages or bouts of depression when things didn't go my way and allowed me to mantain my optimistic (if slightly naive) outlook on life. I've been called naive many times in my life, but for some reason I almost don't mind. At least I don't live my life as a cynical angry person who doesn't give others a chance at the outset. At least I'm brave enought to risk being hurt or disappointed. It almsot reminds me of that Billy Joel song called "Innocent Man." The lyrics go somthing like this:

Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it again
I've not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

I think this song is a very accurate portrayal about life and the the different paths that people take. Some decide that its easier to hide and play it safe than to risk being hurt. They never challenge themselves in any area of life and as a result, became prisoners of their own fears. Although this may seem like an appealing strategy at first, I think its far worse in the end; you stunt your growth as a person by avoiding all the challenges in life. Only by facing our fears head on can we become stronger, more capable, and more worthy human beings. Sometimes I think about how different this world would be if people were brave enough to push aside their fears and act how they truly felt. If not better, it would at least be a much more genuine place to live in.

Conversely, there exists a minority of people who are brave enough to expose their vulnerabilities. Although these people may be hurt much more frequently than those who play it safe, they are the ones who live. For instance, think of a movie or book that inspired and influenced you in the past. What was it about? Didn't the main characters almost always have to overcome some sort of ordeal or challenge before happiness could be attained? Or were their lives blandly normal and uneventful? If we never experienced rejection, pain, or loss, we would never fully appreciate acceptance and happiness. Like the yin and the yang, we need oppositions to ground our conception of reality. Sometimes, as painful as they may be, we need bad experiences to teach us to appreciate the good.

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

So I don't want to undermine the philosophical integrity of this blog post or anything, but I'd really like to talk about this interesting documentary called, "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" which I saw last night. Rob, the 41 year old Australian protagonist in the movie, was a successful business investor who over the found himself falling into the unhealthy eating trap and gaining excesive weight. Coupled by this weight gain was this rare skin rash condition that would flare up at random moments. Being the proactive type of individual which he was, he decided to drastically alter his diet and make a movie about it ;) He chose to embark on a fruit/vegetable smoothie diet for the next 60 days while traveling across America to get a better understanding of the food obsession plaguing our country. Apparently, after drinking only liquids during these 60 days, he had a physical and emotional epiphany. The crux of his argument lay in the fact that fruits, vegetables, and other "microfoods" are the most energy-laden and efficient resources available for our consumption. Having a disproportionately large amount of it in our diets can roll back all sorts of medical conditions including diabetes, heart disease, cancer, allergies, and mental deterioration in old age. He believes that the bottom of the food pyramid should not be reserved for carbs but for fresh fruit and vegetables.

Personally, I agree with him because by sustaining a natural diet, you avoid all sorts of artificial ingredients, chemicals, and processers that go into pre-packaged food items. The closer a food is to its natural state, the healthier it is for you. It is pretty ridiculous that as the wealthiest country in the world, we have the worst health of the world's developed countries and spend significantly more on health care costs. Imagine how many billions of dollars would be saved on healthcare if we focused on prevention programs rather than waiting until the last minute when a person has a heartattack.

I think the real story behind this is the amazing power that food production businesses hold over our governments. The amount of money poured into lobbying for favorable government contracts or FDA approval is unseemly. Why, for instance, do we add high fructose corn syrup ( a highly fattening, corn-based ingredient) into items ranging from ketchup to pepsi cola? Logically, why would you need to add a corn product into either of those products? Think about it...obviously, it has to do with economics. Corn is the easiest and cheapest crop to grow and the one most heavily subsidized by our government. In fact, we produce so much of it in the U.S., we don't know how to get rid of it. Hence, all sorts of creative ideas and product placements.

What are your thoughts on all of this?

Rainy Days

For some odd reason, I think I enjoy rainy days. Its gives me the guilt-free chance to stay inside and reflect. I think the best kind of rain is a light drizzle that blurs everything that it touches. I think I ought to move to London, or something, being one of a minority of people who actually likes grey weather. Plus, it provides a good excuse to start smoking, buy a burberry trenchcoat, and refer to the restroom as the "loo" without people looking at you oddly. How about you?Do you like the rain, the sun, or both?

Another thing I wanted to mention; although I named this blog the "Hopeless Romantic," I was not intending to write exclusively about relationships. I don't want to pigeonhole myself to a single arena, no matter how interesting it may be. I'd rather create a forum of open discussion on any topics.

But to return to the relationship topic at hand, I'll begin by broaching a topic that a friend of mine asked me to consider. The question was whether third parties had an effect on the degree to which we became infatuated with another.

As my friend so eloquently phrased it,

"For example, you're at a party. You are interested in nobody. Then your friend turns to you, points out a guy sitting opposite, and says: "Doesn't he have amazing eyes? Have you ever seen eyes like those?" And then you can't stop looking at his eyes. And it doesn't have to occur like this. And mostly it occurs more slowly, perhaps over a period of days or weeks. But at some point you "surface" and ask yourself when you started to feel like that. And you can't tell. You cannot reconstruct the series of events and comments that led to your being persuaded of this man's attractiveness.

Personally, I think that third parties play an important part in our partner selection. As the social creatures that we are, its almost impossible to ignore the views of those that surround us. Unless somebody has an unfailing sense of self-confidence, he/she will not fall for a person who doesn't fit into his/her social circle. Studies have shown that the longest-lasting relationships were those where both partners came from similar economic and social backgrounds. Although opposites may attract in the short-term, they rarely last after the initial sparks wear off.

To go back to the stock market analogy, positive public opinion on a trade company doesn't have to be accurate to raise that company's stock value and vice versa. Therefore, even if a company is not that profitable or innovative, the buzz that it generates can raise its stock price. 
In a similar way, we're susceptible to following the crowd and liking those who are liked by many. When you think about it, you're not falling in love with that person, whom you know very little about, but the benefits that associating with them provides. In essence, you're pursuing the popularity, status, wealth, power, excitement, etc. that you identify with that person. He/she, in reality, may be none of those things.

Take the case of men who marry trophy wives, for instance. Most of these men assume that by associating with a beautiful woman, their status will increase and the way that they are perceived by others will change. In a way, they view desirable women as a tool of self-actualization. Oftentimes, however, these men are bitterly disappointed to find that this woman does not possess the mythological power to make them happy or change their lives. Although he might "rise" in the eyes of his peers, the man's insecurity remains and even increases in the fear of losing this precious commodity. He becomes obsessed with keeping the object like a child fighting over a toy truck but completely fails at developing the important elements in a relationship.

 Much like a successful enterprise, a healthy relationship needs a solid foundation built on an extensive  understanding of the products (partners in the raltionship) that are manufactured. Similarly, no enterprise can survive on positive publicity for very long if it don't have the credentials to back up these claims; wealth/beauty/recognition/power, etc., can not make up for a lack of elemental characteristics like kindness, loyalty, and compatibility in the long run.

The Lure of the Chase

There is an old saying that goes, "the more that we want them, the less they want us." Why do you think that is? Personally, I have found this  adage to be incredibly true. So I ask you all this: what makes chasing unattainable people so appealing? Why are we never content with those who want us? Why do we feel the overwhelming urge to prove our self-worth to ourselves? Those of you who often find yourself pondering these questions may be in the grips of the "chase addiction".

I think individuals afflicted with this "chasing" addiction have experienced childhood relationships that mirrored exactly this behavior. For instance, if one grew up in an unattentive household where the parents were either too busy, indifferent, or conflicted, one risks developing an unfulfilled attachment need. That is to say, one never experiences the absolute sense of security and acceptance in early childhood that psychologists say is necessary to become a well-adjusted adult. As a result, the neglected child will spend his/her adult life trying to fill this void with a romantic partner. The partner's elusivity often mirrors that of their parents' which serves to entice the neglected adult even further. Subconsiously, the adult is trying to replay his traumatizing childhood experiences but this time, to win.

Alternatively, the parents could have been too critical of the child and set unattainable standards. As a result, the child grew up with a sense of self-doubt and a strong desire to prove him/herself.  This would be a good explanation why the formed adult would spend his years chasing after "ungettable" or "unavailable" partners. By being the "one" to turn this person around, the adult would "achieve" the unattainable goals set by his parents during childhood. I think that ego and the need for self-acceptance play especially strong roles in this instance.

I don't know, maybe this all sounds like Freudian psycho-babble, but I do think the idea has some credence to it.Whether you accept it or not, unsolved childhood insecurities often come to plague us in our adult lives.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. A broken heart is simply a heart that has become stronger. It's a heart that is more self-sufficient, more open to the truth, and more capable of lasting love" -Ernest Hemingway

The Girls

I suppose its’ fair to say that I spent a disproportionate amount of time venting about men, but not nearly enough time discussing women. Oftentimes, it takes two to tango. Although I try to avoid these types of women, I have witnessed some members of my sex play the role of the “bad guy”.

I’m no expert, but here’s a category chart which I haphhazardly put together:

Part I: The Bad

The Sorority Girl:  What can be said that already hasn’t been? Once again, let me remind you that I’m working with mass overgeneralizations. There are many wonderful sorority girls out there. This is just a stereotype of the bad ones. 

•  You will find her absentmindedly twiddling her perfectly coiffed her with her perfectly made French manicure. 
• In class, she will hold a slightly disinterested,  impatient, and resentful attitude, as if she’s being kept from a much more important engagement (like the Pan-Hellenic social, for instance).
• She will almost always wear one of the following: 1) Neon sunglasses/ Ray bans 2) Sperry boat shoes (even though she never sails) 3) A Vera Bradley anything

For the sorority girl, her “sisters” are the same as a Frat Boy’s “bros;” they have a source of unprecedented power. The girl will often bow down to the pressures of this female grouping, pushing aside her true feelings to be accepted. Social status is her raison d’être. She rarely takes the time to wade beyond her very pretty yet highly artificial world. She will almost certainly date a jock (six pack owners need only apply), the president of the Fraternity, or some future businessman. She may turn into a Status Addict with age. In marriage, she’ll almost certainly be the perfect 1950s style housewife…pretty yet empty. This type of woman might make great arm candy and boost a guy’s self-esteem, but in the end, she can be a drag. Inexperienced in areas outside looks and social life, she can make a very boring companion on a rainy day.

Before dating a sorority girl type, ask yourself the following, “Would I be able to spend a rainy afternoon with her in a cold English castle with no electricity?”

        The Status Addict:

This is a much more lethal version of the Sorority Girl. Although she may never have been in a sorority and tends to be cleverer on the whole, the Status Addict possesses many similar attributes. She is usually highly attractive, even beautiful, and knows how to channel that power. She possesses charm and understands the art of manipulation. She’s a master at turning men into little boys by placing herself on an unattainable pedestal. Its true, I have seen highly-successful grown men turn into panic-stricken adolescents when the Status Addict ignored them.

Like the Frat Boy and Aging Peter Pan, her actions are slightly sociopathic in nature. She isn’t inclined to think about others and always places herself first. A narcissist at heart, she needs constant attention to feed her ego. Although highly developed in seduction, she is often lacking in other social skills.

  She will make the most doting girlfriend or wife for a time; as long as her agenda is fulfilled or she can’t move on to a higher conquest, she will stay. When things start to head south financially, however, watch out when you can’t buy her another pair of Christian Laboutins. The shame of it is that these girls are usually very smart and could have stellar careers themselves. Instead, they choose to latch on to others for a living.

  

             Mrs. Independent: This is the really sexy, hip girl that you meet at an indie band or art exhibition. Upon first glance, she’s very attractive; she could care less what others think of her and live a life most feminists aspire to. She can also be the highly successful lawyer or financial analyst who works 90 hour weeks and sleeps with their blackberry under their pillow. Her strength lies with her ability to think like a man and avoid emotional attachment. Mrs. Independent’s shortcomings, however, lie in her inability to make relationships a priority in her life. She simply sees no need to make that connection. The independents are probably the most analytical and realistic of women, acting with the head but rarely with the heart. Much like a male player, they thrive on the freedom to roam and hate being tied down. Mrs. Independent can be like catnip for men; they see her as a wild horse that they'd like to tame. Some men will literally cartwheel backwards to obtain her attention. Beware: this woman can be like the sirens that beckoned to Odysseus on his long voyage; undeniably desirable but potentially deadly.

The Good Guys (there is hope, after all)

First and foremost, I'd like to give a shout out to these men. I want to thank them for their kindness, warmth, and decency. They ought to be the unspoken romantic heros at the end of each romance novel. They're the guys that you can rely on, trust, and love.

 Perhaps the largest defining feature of these men is their utter frankness. They never try to put on a facade or distract you with pretty words. They are direct and genuine. When they like you, they say so, when they decide on something, they stick to it. Unlike bad men, they know what they want and do not deviate. Their unwavering assurance can be somewhat unerving at the beginning; however, its meant with good intentions.

I think that with good men, relationships enter a different level. Rather than being in an anxiety-ridden limbo (officially known as "limerance") you feel safe and stable. You know what to expect. There is no doubt about being good enough or pretty enough. You don't have to worry that he'll flirt with another girl at Starbucks while you buy a cup of coffee. A relationship with a good man does not create the druglike euphoria that often accompanies a volatile relationship. Its appeal comes in a quieter, more constant form.

Perhaps the best (and most important) thing about good men is how they make you feel. Under a good person's love and acceptance, you can flourish like the flower that opens to the morning sun. This person will breathe life into you rather than take it away.

If ever in doubt over a man's character, ask yourself the following questions:

1) If this man was transported to the trenches of WWI, would he fight or would he run away? Would he risk his life to save a fellow wounded soldier?
 2) If you were sick with cancer and lost all of your hair, would he be by your side? Or would he be elsewhere, distancing him from an unpleasant situation?
3) Would he pick up the phone if you called him in a moment of crisis at 3 am?
4) Do you feel energized or emotionally drained after seeing him? Does he make you  feel insecure?
5) Has he ever been in love?This is a big red flag and could mean that he's incapable of loving altogether.
6) What is his track record? What kind of relationships did he have in the past and how did they end?  The best predictor of someone's future behavior can be seen in their past actions.
7) Does he discuss philanthropic issues? Does he care strongly about any particular cause? If this person is ambivalent about such things, it could signify a shallow nature.
8) How does this person treat those who are "social outcasts"?

Decoding Men continued

After talking to some good friends, I realized that 2 categories of men was simply too much of a generalization. So to make things easier, I created subgroups. The bad ones come first. Comments and opinions are highly welcome.

The Bad

 Mr. Man’s Man around Town: this guy is the embodiment of an Ax commercial; he is smooth, elusive, and women appear to magnetically stick to him. His posture is self-assured, his moves are cocky, he has the air of someone who doesn’t really care one way or another. He has the names of several girls dialed into his iphone and the scheduled days on which he will see each. He is the guy that gets up on the bartop (even though he wasn't asked) and finds good reasons to remove articles of clothing/flex his muscles/both. This attitude is only supported by his “bros” who are like really bad wingmen from that Tom Cruise movie. In their eyes, their Man’s Man can do no wrong; he is the alpha male that they all look up to for a surge of  masculine testosterone.

This guy will plan his outfit choices a week in advance, engage in painstaking grooming habits (slightly resembling a puffed peacock), and wear black ray bans to hide his hangover from the night before. He may be the young fratboy that you meet at a party or even the aging Peter Pan. I have had the unfortunate experience to meet the latter. This will be the next specimen in our discussion.

The Aging Peter Pan

This is a subspecies of the Man’s Man around town….except 10 years older. This is the guy who never grew up. The old fraternity days still beckon for him, and although upon initial appearance he may adult-like, do not be fooled. He is focused on one thing: numbers. Women are numbers on a mental scorecard that need to be checked off. They are expendable, like sticks of chewing gum. What’s amazing about this type is that they use their age and status to convince the younger woman that she is the one who’s wrong…she is the one with problems. In fact, they fancy themselves amateur psychologists; ready to pinpoint your flaws at the drop of a hat yet surprisingly blind to their own. They often play the blame game to justify their actions. The “I’ve been hurt in the past and am afraid to love again,” the “I’m just confused,” or the “I’m going through a phase” cards are especially used. Just out of curiosity, you genuinely start to wonder what phase a thirty something year old is going through. Where they hidden in a war bunker somewhere in Eastern Germany for the past 15 years? It’s one thing for a 14 year old boy to say he’s confused and trying to find himself, but not quiet the same for those who are approaching their midlife crisis. Fortunately, this ageing player is not too hard to spot. He will be the overly-dressed, bleached, and gelled guy standing in the crowd. He will be incredibly charming and attentive and have the ability to make you (and the other 20 women on his speed dial) feel as if they were the only ones in the world. In Russian we have a saying that goes, “there is no free cheese expect for the one that you find in the mousetrap.” This is a definite “free cheese” scenario.

The Sensitive Poet/Ecologist

This is the guy that preys on women by playing the sensitivity card. Unlike those other harsh brutes in his species, he is an “exception.” He is the enlightened one. He sings, wears political statement t-shirts, and almost always plays a musical instrument. His bumper stickers usually say things like, “Save Tibet,” or “Peace (with all the five religious symbols).” He is the guy eyeing up the Green wise section at Publix, wearing Toms, and taking yoga. He is scarily more flexible than most of the women of his acquaintance. However, once you get past the “Save the whales, we are the world,” spiel, a clearer picture comes up. He is the man’s man around town that lowers your defenses with his sensitivity whereas the latter seduces with his masculinity. Either way, it’s the same story. For some reason, Mr. Sensitive’s fascination with saving the planet and treating everyone how you would like to be treated does not transfer over to his personal relationships. Instead, he treats the women as he would a Hummer…something initially attractive which eventually becomes a threat to his “unique” existence. This man may be all flowers and butterflies when things are sunny, but beware when it starts to rain.

By the way, I would like to thank you for reading and look foward to hearing any advices or personal experiences you'd like to share. Comments of any kind are always welcome :)

Life, Love, and Everything Else

So it is 7:42 am...I got up with a sudden jolt of electric energy that would have been useful in a fight or flight situation but not on the 4th of July weekend. Although I've contemplated the idea of sharing my thoughts for a while, I never got the nerve to do so until now. However, I must thank 21st century technology for allowing me to vent so easily.

So, I suppose I should start by introducing myself. My name is Natasha (or Natalia/Natal'ya/Natalie) ....there's multiple variations and its hard for me to decide which one I like best. I am finishing my very drawn out political science degree this fall and hopefully starting law school next year. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time thinking about relationships and human interactions. They fascinate me but the more that I know, the more I often wish I didn't. Especially when it comes to men. This is not another feminist rant, but a pretty fair observation of what I've witnessed so far:

1) There are 2 types of men in this world:

• the reliable and loving, yet slightly predictable nice guy 
• the inattainable jolt of electricity that lights you up like 4th of July fireworks and just as quickly brings you crashing down. Unlike the nice guy, he is unreliable, emotionally immature, and slightly narcisstic. However, he relies on his skills of charm and smooth talking to hide these facts. 

2) Women are attracted to the latter because of the Unatainaiblity factor: a very simple theory of economics known as Supply and Demand. The more available a partner is, the more tempting it becomes to undervalue them (Even despite the fact that he is a wonderful, caring, and good individual). The less available a person is, the more we want them. Inavailabilty signifies elusiveness which in turn catapults a person's "perceived market value." I say perceived because this value is an artificial construct designed by those who know how to play the game.   However, please bear with me that this is an overgeneralization that does not apply to all women. Some are talented enough to see past a person very early on, preventing themselves from being lured.


3) At first, women dismiss the nice guy in their guest for romance and excitment. Several years and mulitple battle scars down the road, they are forced to reevaluate their orignial stance. Suddenly, the market stock that did not seem so valuable has gained strong momentum.

4) Women like to hunt just as much as men do
Its just not true to say that women are wilting flowers awaiting a knight in shining armor. On the contrary, they can be very proactive and chase (or would like to ) those that they're after. Its such a common misconception that women don't go after what they want romantically. Perhaps the reason that they aren't drawn to nice guys at first is because they see them as too little of a challenge.

5) Women have the desire to win over and "save" men. That is to say that many (like myself) become obsessed with proving an idealized view to hold consistent in real life. Many of us cling to the story of passion-drenched romance built on chivalry, sacrifice, and excitement. Some even think that obtaining this reality makes life worth living. As if it can be the sunshine the clears away all the cloudy skies. To my knowledge, relationships like that rarely exist. They are relegated to the romance novel /fiction section in the bookstore.Thus, women encountering unavailable men automatically see them as a challenge that must be won over and saved. Inwardly, our internal monologue is saying, "I just know that I can be the one. The one who can change him and make him happy. The one who can really save him. The one that he will fall in love." Of course upon repeating out this dialogue, one casually leaves out several important details: 1) Lots of other women thinking the same thing have attempted to do exactly that and failed 2) This person is most likely single for a reason 3) The person becomes an idealized challenge, a holy grail if you will. His true colors melt into obscurity as the primary focus becomes obtaining him.

 6) Exciting men often hurt...a lot. This is a true but sad reality of relationships. The same person capable of giving you thrilling moments of pure ecstasy can just as quickly bring you crashing down to earth feeling like a recovering drug addict. Its a two edged sword it seems. Generally speaking, the handsome, suave, well-dressed guy standing amidst the crowd is Mr. Excitement. Despite their awful capacity to hurt, they possess a charm like no other. This is the one tool they must rely on to attract unassuming victims. Usually these victims (myself included) are nice, kind, naiive girls looking for true love. They open up quickly and show their vulnerabilities. For Mr. Excitement, this is the best prey. Unsuspectingly, the victim will not see what they do not want to and focus instead on an ideal. I have been blindsighted like this twice in my life. Both times were awful.

7) After being burned several times by the Mr. Excitements of the world, one's view of reality does a drastic 180 degree turn. Women suddenly realize what is essential in a partner. They remember all the guy friends who saw them through the flu, provided a shoulder to cry on, and never expected more than their company in return. The individuals whose actions spoke much louder than any high-fluted words.

What I learned:
1) Its not complicated: the essence of someone can be understood tthrough simple observation. If one ventures past the bravado and charm, one can see the shallow and insecure abyss of a toxic individual.  This person will never make you happy because he is unhappy with himself. He may say he's searching for "true love" or "the one," yet he will never find it. The truth is he simply doesn't know how to love...an act that requires kindness, empathy and thinking of others. He's simply too busy focusing on himself. Usually, its not that we can't see the truth, its just that we simply do not want to. 

2) The most honorable people are those who are straightforward from the start. There is no hidden pearl of humanity waiting to be uncovered in Mr. Excitement....it was never there to begin with. He is the empty oyester shell that looks so appealing from afar. Good men, on the other hand, have a large store of kindness. They don't play games, manipulate, cheat, or abandon. They don't want to cause unwarranted pain and think about their actions. They are capable of true love.

3) Life must go on...even if it feels incredibly painful at times.















For a while now I've been coming to the realization that nothing really changes your core.